Back in China

Here I am, after a month of relaxation and enjoyment in the US. I ate a whole bunch of stuff while I was there, too. Everything that's sweet in the US is just so much more sweet than anything in China, and as a result I ate them. Ate them all up. I was pleased to find that 3 of the Chinese teachers here commented on how fat I've gotten, and that I can no longer really fit into my pants that I left here.

I can already tell that I've begun to lose what I gained almost instantaneously. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, honestly. This kind of weight fluctuation might upset my homeostasis or something like that.

The time I spent at home was awesome, although I did nothing really while I was there. I just relaxed. It's easy to get lost in a loop of doing nothing around there, which was fine for me. But now that I'm back, I've started to think about why exactly I'm here.

This enters my mind nearly every day. Why am I here? Not, you know, here on this Earth. But literally, here in China? Some days I think it's because of the challenge, some days because I want to experience a vastly different culture, and some days I even think it's because things are often so absolutely absurd here that I can't help but laugh at it... to myself. That's right, sometimes I think I'm in China just to laugh at it. That makes people who come here just to some exotic Asian action seem more justified than me! Ok, maybe not.

I have never settled on one answer, and another thing that I constantly think about is that if I go to an interview, be it job or school, I know they're going to ask something similar. Why did you spend 2 years in China? What am I supposed to say? To find myself? To grow as a human person on this world? Or should I say that I'm impulsive and get bored often of one place to the point where I can't stay there for more than 2 years in a row without getting jittery. I'm sure they'd love to hear that when they ask where do I see myself in 5 years? "I have no freaking clue... um... South Africa? Maybe? Somewhere where this company ain't, I can tell ya that!". Yeah that will look really good.

I just hope that by the time I do interview somewhere, I'll have figured out what the hell I'm doing here. I mean, I think the problem is that there are too many reasons why I'm here. They keep coming to me, and every time I think of one, it's accurate and true. I can only think of a handful of reasons not to be here.

Anyway, classes start tomorrow and it should be exciting. I can't wait to see last year's bunch, and the new lot as well. I'm sure it will be a very interesting year.

Decisions, decisions.

The time has come in which Ms. Wang and co. are beginning to ask everyone if they're going to stay at Carden or not. This is causing me great strife, thusly I thought, "Where better a place to express such a conundrum that my vary own E-Chronicle webular site?". Indeed, so it shall be doneth.

First I'll start with a long chain of causation leading up to the aforementioned conundrum. It begins with the other school. This school is where I work on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays. This school is no Carden. And I mean that in the most pejorative sense. Schedules are wacky, the head fella is unreliable and kind of invasive, and one teacher said to me today after asking my name again that she almost doesn't bother remembering names any more because teachers leave so often and frequently that she's stopped bothering. All this adds up to lead to a over-generalized conclusion that Carden is a cushy job. Every aspect is better on the Carden side, and that makes me wonder just how much of a roll of the dice getting a job in China is. There in bold lies conundrum number one. I like the China Challenge of living here and such, but is it worth it to keep a job that is irrelevant to my major just for the sake of comfort and predictability? Watch how seamlessly this segues into my next issue.

Ever since I received the psych books from home, I've been perusing them quite a bit. Two things constantly strike me: That I very sorely miss psychology and research related activities (shockingly) and that I am getting rusty. This indicates that if I'm to stay here, I have to find something more relevant to my degree than teaching adorable little children. This can be done, I know it. And there's a possibility that it can be achieved at Carden as well, but I absolutely must do it. Although it pains me to think about leaving the little tykes, I will have to do it. And I will do it, I'm just hoping that whomever takes the reins of the class better not undo all that I've done. Related to this who psych mess...

One day, while being worn out after class, I was rewatching season 7 of Buffy because I loved it that much (I could write an entire e-chron counting the ways I loved it, but that has been done countless times I'm sure). Anyway, as I lay there eating Kit-Kats and drinking super-sweetened green tea, I passed out. I proceeded to have one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had here. In this dream, Xander appeared to me much in the same way Jesus or God has appeared to prophets of the past. Only, it was Xander. From Buffy. Xander told me that I should really stop living like a slovenly bachelor and figure out what I should do next. This motivated me in many ways to get to work on deciding what I'm going to do. Annnd... much less graceful segue to...

If I stay here, I'm going to have to learn to stop breathing.

That's about it for now that I can think of. There are many pros and cons about staying or leaving. I like Carden quite a bit, and the people I work with, and I want to learn the language more than I have. I like Beijing, and I like the challenge associated with living here. But I don't like the weather, pollution, and (above all) the lack of degree-related work.

By the way, if you didn't want to read someone griping about life choices, please don't read the above.